1) "It's not you, it's me." = "It's totally you."

2) "I'd like to stay friends." = "Please don't tell your hot friends I was a jerk to you because I'm SO crushing on the blond one."

3) "I can't handle how intense my feelings are for you." = "I don't have any feelings for you at all."

4) "I don't want to hold you back from (XYZ)." = "You're harshing my awesome and holding me back."

5) "We're just at very different points in our lives right now." = "You're in high school and I just got my Ph.D. in AWESOME."

6) "I need to focus on my career." = "I find you dull as rocks."

7) "I need my space." = "Please delete me from Facebook, Twitter, and forget my phone number - you're smothering me."

8) "I'm just not ready for this kind of relationship." = "I'm just not ready for this kind of relationship WITH YOU."

9) "You deserve better than me." = "I deserve better than you."

10) "I love you, but like a friend." = "I don't want to have sex with you ever again."

11) "You don't understand me." = "You don't understand me because your IQ matches your shoe size."

12) "When you define something, you limit it." = "Let's be f-buddies."

13) "We should see other people," = "I'm crushing on your hot blond friend."

14) "I think we're moving too fast." = "You've left me 6 voicemails, tweeted me 17 times, and plastered my Facebook wall with love quotes, you creepy stalker, you."

15) "I think we need a break." = "I found someone new."